The Tale of the Three Brothers
By J. K. Rowling
There were once three brothers who were travelling along a lonely winding road, at twilight. In time the brothers reached a river too traitorous to pass, but being learned in the magical arts the three brothers simply waved their wands and made a bridge. Before they could cross, however, they found their path blocked by a hooded figure. It was Death, and he felt cheated. Cheated, because travelers would normally drown in the river, but Death was cunning. He pretended to congratulate the three brothers on their magic and said that they each should earn a prize for having been clever enough to evade him.
The oldest asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence, so Death fashioned him one from an elder tree that stood nearby. The second brother decided he wanted to humiliate Death even further and asked for the power to recall loved ones from the grave, so Death plucked a stone from the river and offered it to him. Finally, Death turned to the third brother. A humble man, he asked for something that would allow him to go forth from that place without being followed by Death. And so it was that Death reluctantly headed over his own cloak of invisibility.
The first brother travelled to a distant village, where with the elder wand in hand he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarreled. Drunk with the power that the elder wand had driven him, he bragged of his invincibility. But that night another wizard stole the wand and slit the brother’s throat for good measure. And so Death took the first brother for his own.
The second brother journeyed to his home where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand. To his delight, the girl who he had once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him, yet soon she turned sad and cold for she did not belong in the mortal world. Driven mad with hopeless longing the second brother killed himself so as to join her. And so Death took the second brother.
As for the third brother, Death searched for many years but was never able to find him. Only when he attained a great age did the youngest brother shed the cloak of invisibility and gave it to his son. He then greeted Death as an old friend and went with him gladly, departing this life as equals.
From Sol LeWitt’s letter to E. Hesse
… Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, grasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, numbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding, grinding, grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO! …
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Letters of Note: An Eclectic Collection of Correspondence Deserving of a Wider Audience
by Shaun Usher
Jokes
I
This story is supposed to be true. A well-known footballer’s wife was in a shop. And she noticed on a shelf some vacuum flasks. And having never seen one before she asked the shopkeeper what it was.
“It’s a vacuum flask, Madame,”
“Oh, she said, what does it do?”
“Well, you can put food or drink in it. And it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is clever. I’ll buy one for my husband.”
So, she bought a flask and took it home and showed it to her “footballing” husband.
“What’s this thing, love?” he asked.
“It’s a vacuum flask. You put food or drink in it, and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Oh, it’s clever, is it? I’ll take that when I go training next week.”
The following week the young footballer went down to his club headquarters proudly carrying his new vacuum flask. One of his friends was in the changing room with him.
“What’s that you got there then?” he asked.
“It’s a vacuum flask that my wife bought me. “
“What’s a vacuum flask then?”
“Well, you put drink or food in it, and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
His friend was amazed.
“That’s clever, is it? What have you got in it then?”
“Two cups of coffee and an ice-cream.”
II
A Blonde goes for an interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
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The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh…22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward question, just to break the ice. "And could you tell us your height, please?"
The blonde stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot six!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for real basics; something the blonde wouldn't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for my records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks:
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde, "I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear… Mandy, Mandy!'
III
A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and said: "The parrot on the left costs 500 pounds."
"Why? Why should the parrot cost so much?" asked the customer.
The shopkeeper says: "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
So, the man asked about the next parrot. That one, he was told, costs 1,000 pounds because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to write out a report that can win any contract.
The customer was astonished. So, he looked at the third parrot.
“How much does that cost?”
“4,000 pounds.”
“4,000 pounds!” said the customer. "What can it do?"
The shopkeeper looked at him and said: "To be honest, I've never actually seen it do a thing, but the other two parrots call her Senior Partner.”
IV
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm, and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?" Santa thought to himself, "I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my knee and try to tell me the things they want for Christmas." So, he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "Now no one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.
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As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So, he went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.
So, he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted "It's him! It's him!" Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So, he walked up to the man and said, "Look, how did you recognize me?"
The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you-- but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph, the reindeer?"
V
A large international firm had a vacancy for a senior executive. They had three applicants to the position. One came from the finance department, one from the IT department and one from the lawyer department. The first applicant from the finance department went through the interview process very well. Towards the end of the interview the senior director asked the man: “What is 2 plus 2?”
The financial man pulled out a set of graphs which demonstrated that after research interviewing hundreds of people it could be conclusively stated that 2 plus 2 equalled 4, and he left the room.
The next interviewee was from the IT department. He was asked the usual questions and once again he was asked: “What is 2+2?”
The IT man produced his laptop computer, showed them how he would set up the program and proved conclusively by binary mathematics that 2 plus 2 equalled 4, and he left the room.
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The third applicant was from the legal department and was well-trained in law. Again, he was asked the usual questions and finally asked: “What is 2+2?”
He stood up, went to the window, and drew the blinds. Then he went to the door, opened it to see if anyone was listening, carefully closed it, locked it. He then walked towards the interviewing panel, leaned over, and said in a very quiet voice: “What do you want it to be?”
Приложение 4
КРИТЕРИИ ОЦЕНИВАНИЯ
При оценивании выступления участника учитываются следующие критерии:
- знание английской орфоэпической нормы;
- правильное произнесение слов;
- правильная постановка ударения;
- соблюдение ассимилятивных явлений, присущих связной речи;
- соблюдение различных фонетических явлений, таких как редукция, элизия, глоттализация и т.д.;
- правильное смысловое членение фраз;
- адекватное ситуации интонационное и ритмическое оформление речи;
- уместное использование просодических средств выразительности;
- временные рамки спонтанного высказывания (2-3 минуты).
Экспертная оценка жюри выставляется по 10-балльной шкале.
[1] * Видеозапись должна быть высокого качества. Некачественный видео и аудиоряд, звуковые эффекты, фоновый шум и другие помехи не позволят членам жюри оценить естественность иноязычного произношения, и поэтому рассматриваться не будут.
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